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America dodges Armageddon
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Smart v. Stupid

America dodges Armageddon

The life-altering events that didn't happen in 2011

  • US Dept. of the Interior

Our brave democracy survived 2011. But our brightest conservatives warn us that it was close. According to them, the end of our democracy is (still) just around the corner. Luckily, here’s some really bad stuff that didn’t happen in 2011:

The imposition of Sharia law

Both Tim Pawlenty and Herman Cain opposed the imposition of Sharia law in the United States. Now both are out of the race. Though there is no hard evidence, one has to wonder if all of the women who claim to have been harassed by “Horny-Herman” Cain are really Muslim activists. Just sayin’…

In any event, the Constitution survived for another year. No federal, state or local legislature – or even homeowner’s association – considered any bill promoting Sharia in any form. Whew!

The end of the U.S. through homosexual fornication

Rick Santorum (he’s that guy running for president on the Gay Inquisition platform) said gay marriage would be the end of America. “Unless we protect it with the institution of marriage, our country will fall.” He is also outraged that schools might one day teach that gay people are no different from straight people. Really.

Santorum’s official donation site has an expired security certificate. But other than that, he’s a pretty savvy guy. In other news, spreadingsantorum.com is down to number two in a Google search. Rick must be pretty pleased about that. And last I checked Newt Gingrich can still get a marriage license for number four whenever he’s ready.

God didn’t end the world – as planned

Radio minister Harold Camping predicted the end of the world would come May 21, 2011. He’d used the well-regarded science of numerology to determine the exact day. When that day came and went, he acknowledged a math error and said the correct day was October 21. Of course, by then, most of his followers – who’d given away all of their stuff back in May – were clogging up Bay Area homeless shelters and food kitchens. His organization had spent $100 million promoting the end of the world, as if no one would have noticed when it happened. I bet the people who believed in his reckoning skills would have liked to have a piece of that cash.

Prior to this, Camping had calculated that the actual date of Christ’s birth was April 1, which casts the whole Christianity thing in a much different light. “April Fools!” said one prominent Jew.

The end of the military and Christmas – Santa survives!

Rick Perry, in what could only be called a pander-twofer told us there is, “something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.” Uhhh… Huh?

Yet Christmas came and went, pretty much like any other Christmas. We all got fat and jolly and sucked up lots of electricity through our extra incandescent bulbs. Children prayed whenever they wanted, or at least whenever their parents made them.

The U.S. Military also seems unaffected. But expect that to change in 2012 after two gay sailors (are Marines surprised?) were photographed kissing. Several conservatives (including some Marines) commented, “Hey, that was hot!”

It was odd that Perry chose 2011 to signal his opposition to the War on Christmas. In the past, godless liberals have only waged war on Christian holidays during election years. Maybe Perry didn’t get the memo. Was this another one of Perry’s premature ejaculations? Or is he so far ahead of the curve that he sees what other candidates won’t until just before next year’s elections?

Oh, and Santa reports being on schedule even though many of the elves were reported to have said, “Hey, that was hot!”

Religion even survived Obama

Again it was Rick Perry, warning us that we needed to confront “Obama’s war on religion” as well as “liberal attacks on our religious heritage.” Oddly, I can’t find any information about this, even though I’m quite sure it must be an actual problem. There is probably a secret White House Office to End Religion. It’s probably run by a Czar.

Relax, God still hates (insert random group here)

But maybe not quite so much. The attention whores at Westboro Baptist Church (motto: God hates fags!) were back in the news briefly after announcing plans to picket the funeral of Virginia Tech police officer Deriek Crouse. However they didn’t show. According to Collegiate Times, student Josh Clark did come, bringing with him a sign and a box of donuts. “Don’t Feed the Trolls. Instead, have a free donut. Any donations will go towards the Hokies for Crouse fund.” With Josh’s help, Hokies for Crouse went on to raise over $100,000 for the officer’s family.

Like the other harbingers of doom (look it up) Westboro continues to expand, with new websites devoted to “God hates Islam” and “God Hates the Media.” I’m not making that up. Expect God Hates Anyone Who Ignores Us.com to be a registered URL soon.

But Josh Clark’s advice is, I think, generally good. Next year, don’t feed the trolls.

Jimmy Zuma splits his time between Washington, D.C. and Tucson. He writes the online opinion journal, Smart v. Stupid. He spent 5 years in Tucson in the early ‘80s, when life was a little slower, swamp coolers were a little more plentiful, Tucson’s legendary music scene was in full bloom, and the prevailing work ethic was “don’t - unless you have to.”

Oddly, I can’t find any information about this, even though I’m quite sure it must be an actual problem.

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