You're invited: TucsonSentinel.com holiday shindig

TucsonSentinel.com friends, supporters, readers and staff:

Let's party before the calendar runs out.

Please join us for a celebration of whatever it is you/we celebrate this time of year — especially a belated 221st birthday of the Bill of Rights, or maybe the antepenultimate day before the end of the world, or the impending third birthday of TucsonSentinel.com.

We'd like to get together with those who contribute their time, talents, money, comments and good wishes, and thank you all for your continuing support.

We look forward to seeing you, and raising a glass to the season and to our freedoms — especially a free press.

Thus:

Please accept with no obligation - implied, implicit, inferred, or obliquely winked - our qualified best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the time period generally coinciding with the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable - if any - traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, Maslovianly fulfilling, personally safe, Gannett-free and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere (Mexico is thinking of changing its name, but they'd only be dropping "United States," which isn't something (isn't that something? — I just wanted to triple-down on the parentheticals here) that many have found all that confusing, unlike this thicket of parentheses), also, if your calendar only lasts another couple of days, you might want to pick up one of those promos from a tool company or something (do tool companies still put out calendars, or am I just showing my age?), or maybe just use iCal - that doesn't stop working in at the end of the week, right?), and without regard to the gender, race, creed, color, age, height, weight, visual acuity, batting average, poll standing with likely Iowa primary voters in 2016, possession of legal documentation beyond a faked Hawaiian birth certificate, language spoken at home, employment status (but bring a couple of bucks for a beer, at least. Sheesh, it's a party at a bar. And tip like a grownup. Bill Nugent's being kind enough to provide something to nibble on), marital status, javascript library preference, physical ability, religious faith, futile belief in pathetic National League baseball team (those last two clauses are redundant, right?), whether you always drink beer or only do so when a boring old dude offers you one, preference in Bonds, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms and agree to be bound by them in perpetuity, or until Jan Brewer either regains her train of thought or comes in from the cold. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal at any time. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law (Mesa, Prescott, Seligman), and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual, reasonable application of good tidings for a period not to exceed one calendar year (back to that bit again), or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and said warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is not covered by Apple Care. If you wish to file a complaint about this wish, please do so in quadriplicate. Any litigation arising from the issuance or performance of these holiday greetings must be filed and heard in the High Court of the North Pole. If any portion of this wish shall be held unenforceable in a court of law, the remaining terms of this wish shall remain in force. Come to think of it, the bits about primary voters, ancient calendars, computer platforms and baseball teams are already null and void, so there.