The Republican ticket that Democrats want

Whenever a campaign-killing allegation erupts—Bachmann’s Medicaid billing, Cain’s serial sexual harassment, Ron Paul’s eyebrow falling off, and now Gingrich’s lobbying scandal, the perp is quick to blame a Democratic conspiracy. OK, Ron Paul didn’t exactly blame Dems when his brow dropped. His campaign blamed tiredness. Follicular fatigue, I suppose. …

Frankly, when these simpletons blame Democrats, actual Dems scratch their heads as to why anyone might believe it. So let’s clear the air. Here’s a rundown of who Democrats want to be the Republican nominee:

Despite his press narrative, Newt Gingrich isn’t intelligent. But he is articulate, cunning, and extremely manipulative. That’s what passes for smart in today’s Republican Party. It has become a party of predators.

Currently, he is trying to manipulate you into believing that his only weakness is a big mouth. This obscures his three marriages, hypocritical adultery, phony “Gingrich Awards,” and the 84 ethics charges that led to his being the only Speaker of the House ever forced to resign from office. Bring him on as presidential nominee, but Democrats (except for maybe Joe Biden, who loves a good fight) hope you’ll leave him home as VP. He’s a pretty accomplished attack dog.

Herman Cain is high on the list of presidential nominees any Democrat would love. He is a world-class fathead, which leads him to imagine—wrongly—that he can wing it. He owns a drip, drip scandal—accusations of serial sexual harassment. And there is some funny business with campaign spending.

He’d likely look the fool in any debate with the president. And he solves two particular problems for Democrats. First, he is less attractive to women than the others. Second having two black candidates probably means that hardcore racists will stay home. The Republican Party is not endemically racist, but if you are a racist, it is the party you’ll choose. For these two reasons, Cain is probably their biggest turnout killer. Bring him on!

Ron Paul is funny, but not because he has a sense of humor. He’s a strange little man who talks like Gollum and vainly wears fake eyebrows. Paul benefits from his libertarian ideology, a belief system that hides pathological selfishness under the covers of both liberal and conservative ideas. But Paul’s curse is the zealots he attracts. His hectoring and histrionic acolytes repulse most people. That said, he’d be the most comical candidate since that nasal-gnome, Ross Perot. Bring him on!

Rick Perry is much less formidable than anyone imagined. A few short months ago, Democrats feared a Perry campaign. But Perry is well on the way to failing the goofball test. Ridicule is the most powerful force in politics, and once you are seen as a doofus, the battle is lost. Though everyone loves the affable class clown, few want him as their date. Bring him on!

Mitt Romney is a formidable politician. He’s likely to get crossover votes in the general election. But he has a little problem—about half of all Republicans think he’s a godless heathen. In the Republican party of today, there is no greater litmus test than religion. Mormon doesn’t cut it. Still, most Democrats would not want Romney as the Republican nominee. He could win.

To her credit, Michele Bachmann has learned a lot about campaigning. She has managed to remake herself from crazy-eyed, unfocused and lunatic into an on-message, one-trick pony. She’s against OBAAAmacare even when the subject is Libya.

But competing with women in our chauvinistic culture is still a delicate balance. Attack too gently and the criticisms don’t stick. Attack too aggressively and Bachmann could generate a lot of sympathy votes. In the end, though, Bachmann’s only weapon is her gender—there is not much else going on up there. Bring her on!

Rick Santorum is a Google joke. See above.

Which brings us to the candidate Democrats most fear as the Republican presidential nominee, Jon Huntsman. Huntsman is the only Republican currently running who competes with Obama on talent, intelligence, wit and worldliness. He believes in science. And of the Republican field, he alone could probably be a pretty decent president. All of which means he doesn’t have a prayer of winning the nomination.

The only “R” candidates Democrats worry about—at all—are the two Mormons. Ironically, Dems are counting on rabid evangelicals to have their backs. As to the others, the idea that Liberals or Democrats might do anything to derail any one of them is laughable. They are Obama’s most likely path to a second term.