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What the Devil won't tell you

Trump lies about Tucson votes, because of course he does

Ex-president neither knows nor cares about how anything actually works

Donald John Trump has lost track of his own lies, and now I worry we are doing that, too.

The truth just never occurs to him. I’m shocked he can order his dinner at Mar-A-Lago without asking for the best grilled unicorn in America and a glass of Olympian nectar.

I’m not going to stick around and write too long, but something needs to be pointed out to His Herr-ness about the vote in Pima County he declared was “rigged and stolen” (or in his own effed-up style “Rigged and Stolen,” because he is branding the line). He claims he was winning before the mail-in votes were counted.

A rant he kicked out Friday reads like he was on Mars last Nov. 3.

“Your favorite Republican candidate was steadily outperforming the Republican share of mail-in ballots by 3%, while Joe Biden was underperforming Democrats by 3%. But when mail-in ballots started pouring in way higher than normal (at over 87%), this trend flipped. In other words, when it was clear Trump was going to win, that’s when they swung into action. As more mail-in ballots poured in and increased by 1%, Trump’s performance decreased by 1%, while Biden’s increased.”

That's not how this works here in Arizona, Sparky.

What the Orange Nightmare We Can’t Wake Up From forgets is that Arizona counted our mail-in votes first. He’s still selling the grift about Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin where those votes get tallied last. In each of those states, the secretaries of state asked for permission to count early votes ahead of time but Trump-loyal legislatures wouldn’t because that was the con all along.

Related: Trump focuses unfounded 'rigged and stolen' election claims on Pima County

Old Man 45 told us before the election how he was going to dupe us: "Mail in votes don’t count, So as long as I order my people to vote in person and not by mail, I can declare myself the winner as soon as the same day votes are counted. That only works if early votes take longer to count and I declare them all fraudulent."

So let's do it Trump's way. Don’t count any votes that came in after 12:01 a.m. on Nov. 3. Joe Biden now wins by 200,000 votes. That's how the count added up here. Trump began to hack away at Biden’s lead as the same-day votes were reviewed and added to the count during the following days.

In fact, give Biden North Carolina, Ohio and Florida where he was ahead early and sometimes substantially. Let's do it this way from now on: The first county to report decides the state result. So if Santa Cruz County gets their results in first ,none of the other 3 million Arizona voters get a say.

While were at it, give my Beloved Denver Broncos the Vince Lombardi Trophy for winning Super Bowl XXI because they led the New York Giants 10-9 at the half... then got out-scored 30-10 in the second because the game was Rigged and Stolen. Give La La Land the best picture Oscar back. Bring back Betamax because it once dominated the market.

No, that's not how we do elections.

His supporters were chanting “Count every vote!” in Arizona for a reason.  

Apparently, he forgot this. Actually, more likely, he knows the rest of us have.

So we in the media have to give him some voice, I guess, because of an unfortunate and perhaps fatal series of human events. First, the GOP nominated him in 2016. Then more than 10 million would-be Biden voters looked at DJT and said “yeah, he’s a repugnant, corrupt madman but Hillary … butter emails … what’s the difference.” Hillary conceded the next day — that's a big difference.

Insipidly, Trump's continued ranting — now focused on us — keeps his lies in the news because it’s newsworthy that a former president is so whacked out about our sleepy pueblo.

He's trying to peg it to a "report" done by COVID crank and elections crybaby Shiva Ayyadurai, who first claimed election fraud when he lost a GOP primary in Massachusetts in 2018.

The claims Ayyadurai made in the Arizona "fraudit" were dispensed with easily and in real time by the Maricopa County Recorder's Office.

But what Trump and Ayyadurai and Team Cyber Ninja Turtle and a whole pack of grifters are banking on is — in a time when memes rule the world — a 10-word lie beats 100-word debunking. I wish I knew they were wrong.

Part of me wishes we would report the story as follows:

HED: Crazy ex-president makes stuff up about Pima County’s 2020 election results

LEDE: Donald Trump, former political figure, said some stuff and none of it is true, as he forgot his own lies yet again.

NUT GRAF: Because of course he did. What else is new? Go back to watching “Squid Game.”


That’s all he’s getting from me.

Blake Morlock is an award-winning columnist who worked in daily journalism for nearly 20 years and is the former communications director for the Pima County Democratic Party. Now he’s telling you things that the Devil won’t.

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