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What the Devil won't tell you

Jaywalking to impeachment: The Deep City plot to destroy Tucson journalism

I got a ticket for jaywalking the other day.

Who gets a ticket for jaywalking? I mean, seriously? Jaywalking? You gotta be kidding me. The officer who issued the ticket said they were hitting the area of Grant and Swan roads particularly hard.

So, what? Now, I have to come up with $90 to pay Tucson City Court? How is that fair?

What's that, you ask? Did I jaywalk?

I mean, on the one hand, we can look at what I actually did.

On Sept. 21, I stood on the edge of Swan Road in front of Panda Express. During a clear break in southbound traffic, I successfully made for the median. I waited there, about 60 yards north of Grant Road. The traffic broke in the northbound lane so I jogged to the landscaping in front of the Fry's shopping center and made it well ahead of the headlights approaching me. Turned out, those headlights were attached to a Tucson Police Department cruiser.

People don't know this and nobody is talking about it, but Arizona Revised Statute 793c reads like this.

Between adjacent intersections at which traffic control signals are in operation, pedestrians shall not cross at any place except in a marked crosswalk.

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Am I guilty? Maybe. And maybe it depends on your definition of "witch" and "hunt" because everyone is talking about how ARS 793c is a fake law.

Who's crooked?

Excuse me ... excuse me ... excuse me … I can go one better. Excuse me!

Is the officer a registered Republican? Has he perhaps, donated to conservative candidates? I'm a columnist who comes at issues of the day from not quite that persuasion. Someone should ask the officer his position on the definition of "capital" in capital gains tax. If he disagrees with my narrow definition, then there must have been white lines on either side of my trip from points A to B. I know it. And you know it. We all know it. Somebody told me earlier, "Sir, we all know it."

It's all a plot by crooked cops.

Then there's all the talk about how everyone knows cops frequent strip clubs, do blow, shoot painkillers and indulge in other behavior I can invent because my word processor lets me. It's not that I'm saying they do it. What about all the talk about it? Many people are saying....

Evidence? Do I have evidence? "Evidence" is a fake word.

A lot of people are saying the officer is a well-known partisan with a vendetta against the media. And if I can repeat that hundreds of times across a multiple platforms then there must have been a stripe to the left of me and a stripe to the right, as you are aware.

OK, fine. If the officer that night wore a body camera, it might/would likely show an officer acting politely, professionally and generally cool as he professed a concern for the citizens he serves. I was nice to him. He was not so nice. Y'know why? He gave me a ticket, that's why. And everyone knows it's the greatest hoax in history.

A dash cam may how me clearly crossing at a spot where I shouldn't but you need to understand two words here: Deep fake.

Who's perfect (*Grin*)

I'm not saying the recording would be technologically fabricated into a bit of spectral evidence against me. I'm just saying there are technical ways to fabricate spectral evidence, period. Let the city prove it didn't perpetrate the greatest attack ever on a free press.

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If you're already supporting us, please encourage your friends, neighbors, colleagues and customers to help support quality local independent journalism.

I could repeatedly tell the judge my pedestrian crossing was "perfect," but it really won't matter unless someone launches an investigation of the Deep City dirt that leads straight to the top of the Crooked Tucson City Council. Don't talk to me about how not a single Republican sits on the council. I can type the words "Radical Right-Wing Tucson City Council" and they'll appear multiple times. Clearly, that makes it a Radical Right-Wing Tucson City Council. I know it. And you know it.

Clearly, the Deep City is at war with the free press because I have, in the past, been critical of city actions. I have been very strong and incredibly powerful in my exposing the corrupt plan to steal $50 million for crony road repairs and total unnecessary public safety capital spending. Don't talk to me about my beautiful May 2017 column supporting the idea. I didn't write it. It's a fake. I know it and you know it.

The more tickets I get ...

To prove just how crooked the cops are, all I would have to do is stand daily at the same spot along North Swan Road and wait for a black and white to approach. I could step into oncoming traffic every single day and it would be perfect. I bet they'd still give me a ticket every single day.

Nothing would so obviously exonerate me better — and no columnist has done more for Tucson than I have, as you are aware — than being accused of a crime seven times each week, right? The sheer volume of citations would clear me of wrongdoing. They act like they have nothing better to do.

What about all the unsolved felonies are there on TPD's desks? The murders? The robberies? The sexual assaults? The arson? What about criminal damage? What about illegal fireworks? What about René Descartes? If we are all just brains in a vat, does Swan Road really exist?

Is there an objective reality? Or is there just a perfect one I can invent for my tribe?

Hi, I'm back

OK, I'm done with this.

Yes, I got a jaywalking ticket and it's sitting on my coffee table as I watch Donald Trump demand that our laws not apply to him as he tries to fog matters surrounding his possible impeachment. Throwing sand right in our eyes, he is. Holding him accountable proves a conspiracy, but I have to pay $90 for a civil infraction every Tucsonan has committed 60,000 times?

Readers might say it's a false equivalence between a local columnist and a president entrusted with the nuclear codes.

On the other hand, between a local columnist and the man with the nuclear codes, which of us do you depend more to live in the aforementioned objective reality?

Here's the deal: I jaywalked. The cop was cool and professional. And no (nose pinch), there was no plot involved. It was a little something vital to the perpetuation of a free society and that is neutral application of the law.

The law applies to me. The law applies to presidents. Obviously the powers of the presidency are open to interpretation but an honest effort to move in the general direction of precedent and accepted legal practices should be a minimal standard for living in the White House.

If I have to come up with $90 because I got a ticket for freaking jaywalking then the commander-in-chief of the U.S. armed forces and top law enforcement officer in the land can do his best to obey the law every goddamned day. And if he doesn't, he can get impeached every goddamned day.

Anything else is inexcusable.

Blake Morlock is an award-winning columnist who worked in daily journalism for nearly 20 years and is a former communications director for the Pima County Democratic Party. Now he’s telling you things the Devil won’t.

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have your say   

Latest comments on this storyRead all 5 »

Oct 7, 2019, 12:41 am
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Please donít jaywalk!  And please, if walking at night—even if using the crosswalks and signals—wear something white or reflective.  So many of our local drivers simply donít look for people in crosswalks before making a right on the Red light.

We need ALL our fine reporters!

Oct 4, 2019, 8:57 pm
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Oh, MonksCave. I imagine he’s making more than 400,000 a year off the Saudis at his DC property alone and forcing the Secret Service to rent space at Mar A Lago.  Interesting point though, You are saying flat out that he’s immune from criminal actions because he’s donating his salary.

Oct 4, 2019, 1:39 pm
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He does not refuse his salary, he donates it.

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