What the Devil won't tell you
Rodney intervention: Glassman never a Democrat, likely defrauding GOP
That was my reaction to the news Rodney Glassman is running for Arizona Attorney General.
Then I watched his introductory video and I was rolling around on the floor laughing my you-know-whatting ass off.
The video is Rodney in a faux group therapy session of former Democrats turned Republican.
One of the actors starts the video saying: "They said they were fighting for me – for my job. But all they do is talk about defunding the police and critical race theory. And if I disagree — they try to cancel me."
I'll get back to that because it's just priceless.
Then the therapist turns and says "Rodney would you like to go next? I think your story can help."
Glassman then leans in and says "I'm Rodney Glassman and I used to be a Democrat."
Then we get the standard campaign patter.
"Democrats were more focused on their radical socialist policies than they were creating jobs and standing with law enforcement."
Someone then asks Glassman: "Are you pro life?"
Rodney answers: "I am pro-life. The day our daughter was born over 10 years ago changed my life."
What's that? The therapist (let's call her Karen) is wondering why I'm laughing and if I have something to report, is she?
Well just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ...
"Yeah, thanks Karen. Let me just backtrack for a second and gently point out that the only people who can't stop talking about critical race theory and defunding the police are Republicans. And if you are concerned about the ability to hold a contrary opinion without being canceled then say 'Joe Biden won the election,' 'COVID is a real threat,' or 'the Jan.6 attack on the Capitol wasn't the work of true patriots' and see what happens to you in GOP politics."
"The Fertilizer Prince of Fresno doesn't give a damn about your job, sir. He doesn't care about free speech, hate speech or the King's Speech. He doesn't care about elections integrity. He cares only about feeling important, so he runs for office a lot. He'll throw you, me, Colin Firth or Donald John Trump under the nearest Blue Bird if he thinks it will make him feel less bad or if his father tells him to."
"You have legit opposition in the Republican primary. Andrew Gould has a legit legal background. Tiffany Shedd seems like a true believer in the crazy, but a true believer nonetheless. Dawn Grove has the know-how of the establishment behind her. Any one of them is a lot more formidable than you because no one likes you. The voters won't."
"You are kind of the Martin Skreli of Arizona politics."
"Rodney, I was your communications director and your policy guy when you ran for U.S. Senate against John McCain. I can tell you this. When it came to your policies, you had none. When it came time to draft your policy position, I just sat on my front porch and typed them on my laptop. I decided what you thought."
"Your entire senior campaign team wouldn't need to ask you anything about any policy because your thoughts on the matter were irrelevant to you. You were the last person who needed to be consulted about what you believed in because you didn't believe in anything."
"Check that. You believed in two things: Protecting your inherited wealth and threading the needle on a position on gay marriage that still makes no linear sense."
"You didn't even know what the federal government did. I asked you once if you knew the top five spending programs the U.S. Treasury Department cut checks for and you couldn't get to three."
"That wouldn't be a problem but you were running for U.S. Senate. It's a bigger problem when people around you were saying you would be the first Jewish-American president."
"You don't believe in policy because policy is irrelevant to you. What's relevant to you is getting thousands or hundreds of thousands of people affirming your sense of worth at the ballot to … I don't know, earn your father's love."
"The reason I bring up daddy issues is because you were sitting on the mantel of your fireplace with your campaign team and told us "I was going to run for Secretary of State and my dad told me 'Only p---ies run for Secretary of State' (hear that Mark Finchem?)."
"After leaving the Tucson City Council, you've run for U.S. Senate, Chairman of the Arizona Democratic Party, Arizona Corporation Commission and you are on a serious losing streak, big guy."
"To hear you discuss your time in Democratic politics, you were some life-long moderate who was suddenly aghast that progressivism was going on."
"Notice that when you decided to work in Democratic politics, you chose for your political patronage Raul Grijalva. Raul is a lot of things, but he isn't shy about just how liberal he is."
"When it came time to hire a campaign manager to run your 2007 City Council race, you hired Katie Bolger. Katie was Green Party. She still may be the only person tough enough to handle you when you get on a rant or just decide to do something diabolically stupid. You had no problem whipping the Democratic base into a 'mob' of support for you then, just like you have no problem whipping the MAGA crowd into a frothing army of foot soldiers."
"You have no convictions when it comes to the public good. None. But that's not your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is something I haven't touched on."
"I got involved in your campaign to learn statewide campaigns from the ground up. I became senior staff because you chased off your entire team multiple times and finally for good."
"That's your problem. You are a terrible human being. There are right-wingers out there — a lot of them — I would never say that about. Tea Party guys like Trent Humphries and Ralph Kayser are good people. I don't talk to them anymore because they lost their previously able minds, but that doesn't mean their souls aren't kind just underneath the MAGA mud."
"Rodney, you never learned how to do that. Your soul is dark and angry."
"You were constantly abusive and abrasive to people who worked for you. You would call and beat them up verbally at 3 o'clock in the morning. You would rant and rave about how no one was good enough for your campaign. Sure, you ran off your entire senior campaign team. You also ran off your field operatives because they found you personally insufferable. I remember when I pointed out that John McCain – and not you – would certainly receive the Arizona Republic's endorsement, you spent 10 minutes yelling at me about why that would be my fault. Even a Democratic-leaning edit board has no patience for a candidate with zero knowledge about the office they seek. The Republican board in Phoenix was going to laugh you out of Dodge. It did. Good for them."
"'Make them be nice to me' was a typical standing order to your staff concerning anyone who was critical of you."
"This was my thinking when you ran for Democratic Party Chairman. I didn't give two whiffs about your absent policy positions. I was IM-ing then state Sen. Kyrsten Sinema about how you had to be stopped because otherwise the whole senior staff of at the Arizona Democratic Party would quit within six months."
"She wanted me to go public, but I didn't want to be the guy who publicly attacked a former employer (privately, I only said that part. That he would be a nightmare for other human beings to work with). There were people I knew who were going to get your rage all over them."
"But now you are seeking real power and pretending to care about anyone but yourself."
"Prediction: If you win, every top prosecutor in the state will almost certainly quit by the end of Year One. What am I saying 'if you win ...'" ROFLMFAO! I really do slay myself.
"You are running on the election fraud, pro-coronavirus promises and probably some other stuff you don't care about. "
"Wait a minute ... let me think … an upward-failing, terrible human being without any moral compass seeking only personal affirmation through political campaigns and has an entitlement to boss everyone else around ..."
"You may be perfect for the modern GOP."
"But hey, if in 10 years, the state becomes solidly Democrat, I have no doubt that you will be running with the donkeys in a State Treasurer bid saying you have 'come home to your roots' and are 100 percent behind the Green New Deal."
"Rodney, I say this with love: You don't need a faux therapy commercial. You need years of the real thing. Now go lose. It's what you are best at."
Blake Morlock is an award-winning columnist who worked in daily journalism for nearly 20 years and is the former communications director for the Pima County Democratic Party. Now he’s telling you things that the Devil won’t.