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Smart v. Stupid

O'Donnell mania sweeps D.C.

Everyone in Washington is rooting for Delaware's deep thinker, GOP nominee Christine O'Donnell

Both Democrats and Republicans in Washington are rooting for Christine O’Donnell and her long shot bid to win a seat in the Senate next term. This is true even though almost no one expects her to win and most Delaware voters believe she’s unqualified.

How can that be? Well for starters, no one who actually works, serves in,  or reports on government believes any of that sky-is-falling crap we hear every election season. 

You don’t really think Newt Gingrich actually believes that Sharia Law is infiltrating our court system, do you? No. Apocalyptic pronouncements like these are tactics. They’re aimed at getting out the vote. Insiders know that our democracy will survive no matter which party is in power.

That’s not to say that people don’t strongly believe in their own philosophy of government. Republicans do believe in competitive society and accept losers as the price we pay for getting winners. Democrats do believe in cooperative society and tolerate the occasional cheat as the price one pays for ensuring a social safety net. 

Who will lose his or her Hill job (in a regime change) is much more urgent than whether or not the government will turn toward socialism if Democrats are in power or toward fascism if Republicans win. No insider really believes that crap.

Which leads back to O’Donnell mania. If the sky is not falling, then maybe it’s OK to indulge your quality of life a little. And everyone agrees that O’Donnell is sure to produce a ton of laughs. 

The most giggled about aspect of her history – dating a witch or two and feasting at a death altar – is undoubtedly the least of it. Many years ago she appeared in the Meghan McCain role (young, out-of-step conservative) on Bill Maher’s show and she didn’t disappoint. But the clip obviously shows a young woman still trying to figure out how she got there. We are all interested in seeing what else Bill might have, but I suspect she simply offered more of the same. Nothing to see here….

What is generating belly laughs around the water cooler is the idea that the woman in that video may never have masturbated. 

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It’s fair to surmise that everyone who works in, serves in, or writes about government has masturbated. I confess I have. And you know what? If you’re under 40, the notion that self-gratification is sinful leads directly to a wide-eyed “You’re kidding, right?” 

I can’t really picture Phyllis Schafly visiting the altar of self, but she’s the only person I can think of who might be a me-virgin. 

Well, except O’Donnell apparently. A life devoid of orgasm may just be the best explanation for her worldview. It certainly explains her wound-up, chipmunk-like demeanor.

Other highlights of the Christine O’Donnell belief system? 

Well, she believes that gay people are mentally ill, having strayed from “God’s image.” She thinks that AIDS is a lifestyle disease, like smoking, and that condoms don’t work. She’s the self-described founder of “Savior's Alliance for Lifting the Truth” which is a funny name all by itself. While being founder, she argued that federal spending to fight AIDS actually causes it. The evangelical youth group, SALT (That’s just oh so clever, isn’t it?) is now defunct, owing to high bowling costs, or something like that. 

Or maybe masturbation simply beat SALT fair and square, being as near-universal as any human activity.

In her greatest orgy of nuttery, O’Donnell claimed on a 2007 Bill O’Reilly Show that we now have mice with human brains,

“They are — they are doing that here in the United States. American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains. So they're already into this experiment.”

Apparently, the “No-Spin” machine was broken that day because O’Reilly didn’t challenge her on the claim. In his defense, I’m sure even he was gob-smacked at that moment. O’Donnell makes Michelle Bachman seem moderate and Sarah Palin seem smart, by comparison.

Beyond that, Candidate O’Donnell has apparently supported herself for years by running for office — living, eating, drinking, filling her tank, and even bowling — on the campaign tab. Watching the investigation of that will bring a string of ridiculous excuses sure to keep us laughing for years. The FEC moves at the speed of cold maple syrup, you know.

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Christine O’Donnell is the real deal — a laughing-at-her-not-with-her machine that we rarely find but always find amusing. Every workplace culture is enriched by having a motley fool — even the hallowed halls of Congress.

O’Donnell for President! There, I said it.

Jimmy Zuma splits his time between Washington, D.C. and Tucson. He writes the online opinion journal, Smart v. Stupid. He spent 5 years in Tucson in the early ‘80s, when life was a little slower, swamp coolers were a little more plentiful, Tucson’s legendary music scene was in full bloom, and the prevailing work ethic was “don’t - unless you have to.”

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