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What the Devil won't tell you

The Ducey Flu-C: Arizona gets our very own COVID variant

This is a big moment for Arizona.

After more than a year of work to downplay, dismiss and deny the coronavirus, Arizona’s right-wing leaders can now proudly sound off to the world: “We have our own variant!”

Is it a direct result of Arizonans blowing off masks and packing into bars? To determine that would require a deep dive into biology, virology and epidemiology. If there's one thing we've learned over the past few years, it's far more important to believe whatever makes you happy or mad.

I can write this much with certainty. This is absolutely fitting.

Like proud papas in the bar smoking stogies with their former frat brothers, Gov. Doug Ducey and U.S. Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Proxima Centauri) can tell the boys: “It’s a B.1.243.1!”

B.1.243.1 is the kind of mutation that is specific to the variant and makes it more resistant to vaccines. Yaaaaayyyyy. 

Technically, it makes the vaccine less effective because it includes something called E484K, which researchers at Arizona State University call “Eek!” It's also been found in the variants that were first found in testing in South Africa and Brazil, and blunts antibody responses.

Frog-level gay

Well, let's be real. All this is true only if you fail to see how deep the conspiracy really is, and how far it actually goes.

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Cucks like me surf the je nais se quois of nuance with a certain joi de vivre in the idea that I will rely on experts to tell me about subjects I've just come to understand. I get that there may be a difference between making the vaccine less effective and dampening the antibody response.

Man, am I ever a beta male.

A real man in a red hat would know that he knows all there is to know about stuff he knows nothing about because Tucker Carlson told him what to know and when to know it.

That’s how we got here. Asserting we all know the real story about how George Soros, the Chinese Communist Party and Anthony Fauci conspired to take our guns away by inventing something called SARS CoVID 2.

What was SARS CoVID 1? No one ever talks about that, do they? That must have been the other estrogen mimicker the Rothschilds, Hillary Clinton and Anderson Cooper cooked up to turn us as gay as our pet frogs.

COVID's top travel destination

But MAGAs should take a moment to come out of your hoax hole and bow to the world for what you helped create when you decided the virus was a tribute to Donald J. Trump.

You worked hard for this pressuring state officials to avoid prescriptive measures, working to rescind those in place and, of course, dismissing warnings by holding niche superspreader events. No one was going to tell you any different.

Not once but twice Arizona lead the world in coronavirus infections. We were the ultimate spring break destination for COVID-19. It was here that it came to procreate and engorge itself on with gluttonous glee.

Arizona has 7 million people. That’s one million more people than Denmark and yet we managed to kill seven times more more of our own than the Danes put in the ground. We have 3 million fewer people than Switzerland. Yet we have 60 percent more deaths than the Swiss total mortality number. And the Swiss aren't exactly "followers."

That took some doing.

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Ain’t no one gonna tell you whom you can’t infect as per our constitutional right never mentioned in the text of the document, any state constitution or the Federalist Papers. (Please excuse my use of "whom" as an indefinite object. I know grammar is wussifying America). 

Certainly people shouldn’t be expected to practice citizenship if it comes with momentary unease of fastening a cloth mask behind one’s ears.

Alaska’s motto is “North to the Future.” New York’s is “Excelsior!” Arizona’s can be “Death is our convenience.”

So can we call it the Ducey Flu-C?

Make it all for nought

Let’s think about what these variants mean. They mean that all of the people going through all the trouble of getting a vaccine to keep themselves, their neighbors and family members alive may end up being pointless.

Enough people here will cheer the virus on and invite their own bodies to be hosts to keep it cooking so that the rest of us have to live like this for the foreseeable future.

I suppose we could all just give up and inhale the funerals. Just take big deep breaths of death and dying because, apparently, that’s what Valley Forge was all about.

Although, again, a search of Thomas Paine’s “The American Crisis,” finds it oddly silent on the liberty to spread smallpox.

And a wimpy variant it is

I do have one bit of bad news for the MAGAs.

No, I'm not referring to how that they could get it and die from it or how it might kill their spouse or favorite convenience store clerk.

Nope. They aren’t going to like this. Turns out the Arizona variant is not dominant. That’s right. This virus lacks in the necessary masculinity to lord over its surroundings and force all other variants to submit. This is, no doubt, the work of the #MeToo movement.

What’s worse is that our variant might eventually bend the knee to the UK variant, which is dominant. So Arizonans might one day be infected by prissy British accents.

Given the pro-contaminant crowd’s understanding of cause and effect, they will no doubt try to fix this in the Legislature with either tax cut or a voter restriction.

This shining moment

Yes, this is Arizona MAGA’s moment to shine.

It’s a big day for the folks who won’t be told nothing they don’t already know. Thank the academy, mask-protesting alpha males and Q-A-Moms. Let’s not forget Gen Z, insisting that their right to get shit-faced as they don’t get laid (again) trumps the notion of public health.

When I first got to Arizona, we had the Phoenix Suns and a couple college football teams of second-level renown. Now we have the NHL, the Diamondbacks and whatever the heck the Cardinals are (rumor has it they play football).

We now have our own particular kind of coronavirus.

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No doubt, some might call me hysterical for this rant. But let's play The "If I Said in 2017" game. If I said in 2017 "the country will face a pandemic that will kill more Americans than died in both world wars but Trump will convince his supporters to support the virus like they support him," then I certainly would have been accused of some sort of derangement syndrome.

If some say they would have come clean up front, I'm pretty sure that in 2016 Trump might have won five electoral votes depending West Virginia's mood.

There would be just no talking to me.

We're just frogs living in the water you boiled and turning gay-er all the time. Eyeroll ... and slow clap ...

Blake Morlock is an award-winning columnist who worked in daily journalism for nearly 20 years and is the former communications director for the Pima County Democratic Party. Now he’s telling you things that the Devil won’t.


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