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Miss Alaska disqualified from politics
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Smart v. Stupid

Miss Alaska disqualified from politics

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  • Wasilla High School

I’ve never written much about Sarah Palin because, really, who cares? About three weeks into her national debut she proved herself unelectable. The idea of Palin just one heartbeat away from an old-man’s presidency was too scary to imagine.

Still, enough people liked her for her to secure a no-duties job at FOX News. And despite her un-electability, Palin’s star continued to rise. Until recently, that is. Now she’s on the way down. But after all this time, no A-list political analyst has unlocked Palin’s “logic.” It seems so obvious….

Palin thinks she is competing in a beauty pageant.

That’s it. Every move she makes is choreographed as if by a pageant coach. Yes, that’s an actual job, in case you were wondering.

Not surprisingly, the American beauty contest was invented by America’s greatest huckster, P.T. Barnum. He’s famous for the quote “There is a sucker born every minute.” Some say he never said it, that it was said by someone else – about his customers. Either way, Palin appeals to the same people who TiVo TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras in hopes of getting a few tips. So I guess there is some truth to the sucker idea, whoever said it.

Toddlers and Tiaras, in case you haven’t been blessed, is the show where depressed and illiterate parents abuse their snotty little girls while hoping for great success in something that is utterly trivial. It’s Train Wreck TV™.

You don’t see the connection? Here are some pageant rules from Pompadour Johnnie’s Path to the Pageant Crown, which may or may not be a real book:

Rule 1 – Shine!

The successful pageant contestant monopolizes the attention of the audience and the judges. Never let another contestant shine brighter or get more attention than you. If you want to be a star, you have to cast a shadow over everyone else on the stage, so wear big hair and push up front.

Talk all the time. Even when you have nothing to say, keep talking. Talking is easy and fun. It’s not like reading, I promise!!!

Rule 2 – When you make a mistake, keep going

In the talent portion, you must never, ever stop if you make a mistake. Just pretend like you never tripped or slipped or forgot the third chorus, and carry on with your routine. Afterwards never, ever, mention or admit to your mistake. We call this “poise.”

If you say something really dumb, just pretend like it never happened. Many of the people in the audience are only half-listening and some are idiots. The idiots won’t even notice. If anyone does, convince them that someone else caused your slip up because she is really out to get you!

Rule 3 – Make the audience believe you’re one of them

You want the audience to believe that they are also special even though (obviously) they are not. Even though the judges are just ugly people who got to sit up front, smile and wink at them anyway.

A good way to get sympathy whenever someone criticizes you is to make believe she criticized everyone. You want “everyone” on your side in a fight, don’t you? So make any complaint about you a complaint about all Americans. Die Commie scum!

Rule 4 – Be seen as a good Christian

Above all, pageant winners must appear to be good Christians. Just like our country, the pageant community is founded on Christian values. We are a Christian pageant system for Christian girls who want to succeed in a Christian world. Be sure to include the word Christian in every sentence. If you can say “Christian” twice in one sentence, even better. Anyone who is not a Christian is going to hell. Who wants their votes anyway? The judges, anyway anyway, will always be Christians.

Rule 5 – Be seen as a good American

Pageant winners must be good Americans. Bad Americans (like liberals and such, and blacks of course) don’t win pageants because they don’t deserve to. We are an American pageant system for American girls who want to succeed in America. Be sure to include “USA” in most every sentence. Just make sure you also remind everyone that you’re a Christian first, but an American Christian. It’s the American way, you know.

America is a C-A-P-I-T-A-L-I-S-T country. You don’t really need to understand what that is, only that it means you have to crawl over the backs of every other contestant to get to the top. Anybody who helps another American is a Socialist. That’s something bad. It’s worse than being a Mormon and almost as bad as being a Muslim.

Don’t be fooled by people who try to tell you that there is a “Central” or “South” America. They learned that idea in college, so duh. There is only one America and this is it!!!

Jimmy Zuma splits his time between Washington, D.C. and Tucson. He writes the online opinion journal, Smart v. Stupid. He spent 5 years in Tucson in the early ‘80s, when life was a little slower, swamp coolers were a little more plentiful, Tucson’s legendary music scene was in full bloom, and the prevailing work ethic was “don’t - unless you have to.”

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