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The Onion satirizes mass shooter on anniversary of Jan. 8 attack


There's satire, and then there's satire. The Onion, a website that attempts to elicit equal parts tearful laughter and painful wincing, cooked up a look at the motivations of school shooters Wednesday - timed for the anniversary of the day a mentally ill college student gunned down six and wounded 13 in Tucson.

The piece, "Classmates Admit School Shooter Showed Them, Showed Them All," laid out an all-too-familiar scenario of a disturbed young man gaining attention through mass murder:

Speaking to reporters for the first time since Dakota Springs High School sophomore Brian Sutterman fatally shot eight fellow students and took his own life on Tuesday, Sutterman's classmates admitted this morning that he sure did show them.

He showed all of them, the 17-year-old's peers confirmed.

"When Brian walked into the school and indiscriminately opened fire on everyone in his path, he really showed us how we're all nothing but a bunch of arrogant frauds," said sophomore Derek Polan, noting that a murderous rampage was the best way for Sutterman to get people to listen to him. "He also made us realize what a sick joke the whole world is, which is something he understood but the rest of us were just too blind to see."

"I get it now, though," he added. "Thanks to Brian, it all makes so much sense."

Though they were reportedly sad to lose their friends in the shooting, many students also expressed a newfound respect for Sutterman, stating that in the end he had effectively demonstrated to them that they are all mindless scum and that their lives are completely disposable.

Three years ago, an undiagnosed schizophrenic student was expelled from Pima Community College because of his bizarre behavior, and not long after opened fire at a Tucson constituent meeting held by then-U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, killing six people and wounding 13 others, including the congresswoman. Jared Lee Loughner pleaded guilty and was sentenced in November 2012 to seven consecutive life terms, plus 140 years in prison.

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1 comment on this story

Jan 9, 2014, 7:11 pm
-1 +2

It is no worse than what many others did…

The media, this outlet included, milked the tragedy for all it was worth. For months and months and months they would…not…let…it…go. I got sick to death of reading how many times Gabby went to the bathroom in a particular day. Oh, BTW, I still have yet to read any story about the shooting that doesn’t include the phrase “...including former Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords”, as if she’s more important than any of the other victims that day or something.

Where most see tragedy, Mark Kelly has seen nothing but dollar signs. He has disgustingly grabbed on to his wife’s rising star in a despicable effort to make as much money and gain as much notoriety as he can from the shooting. Almost no one knew who he was before the shooting. Now, his creepy looking face is right next to hers at each and every photo-op she goes to. TV show tours, book deals…when is the movie coming out? Every time some says “Gabby” Kelly just hears the “ch-ching” sound. But, few have the balls to call him out on it because he’s Gabby’s husband and we’re “not allowed” to say anything bad about Queen Gabby now.

What about the court system? The made more of a mockery out of this than anyone. Rather than give a fitting punishment to the crime, they dragged it out for over two years, drugging the attention whore into submission and giving him a grossly insufficient sentence for his heinous crime. That was disrespectful to the victims, their families, and this community.

How many other politicians latched on to the shooting to further their idiotic causes and agendas?  How overused were the terms “incivility” and “vitriol”? How many media outlets tried to squeeze every mouse click or ratings point they could out of the tragedy? How many dying newspapers would have went under by now were it not for this tragedy to sustain it for just a couple years more?

Hey, all the Onion did is what they usually do. The tastefulness of the parody is open to debate. But, at least they’re honest about what they’re doing. They’re not saying they’re doing one thing while having a completely different self-serving motive. I can’t say that about Mark Kelly or dozens of others who tried to gain from this tragedy.

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