Sponsored by

From the editor

You're invited: TucsonSentinel.com holiday shindig

PLEASE JOIN US FOR A CELEBRATION of whatever it is you/we/they celebrate this time of year — especially a belated 226th birthday of the Bill of Rights (Dec. 15), or the impending eighth birthday of TucsonSentinel.com (Jan. 22).

We'd like to get together with those who contribute their time, talents, money, comments and good wishes to our project, and thank you all for your continuing support.

We look forward to seeing you, and raising a glass to the season and to our freedoms — especially a free press. And while you're toasting, PLEASE HELP US KEEP YOUR LOCAL NONPROFIT INDEPENDENT NEWS SITE AROUND for another year, with your TAX-DEDUCTIBLE GIFT: http://www.tucsonsentinel.com/donate

And here's a NEW section of this annual missive: When you donate anytime during December, YOUR GIFT to support local nonprofit news will be MATCHED, dollar-for-dollar, by the special News Match program.

This important initiative to strengthen selected nonprofit newsrooms is funded by the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation, the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation and the Democracy Fund. This is a great opportunity to help us produce more of the strong accountability journalism you have come to expect from TucsonSentinel.com. So put Pierre Omidyar's money to work here in Tucson, and help out your authentically local nonprofit news site: http://www.tucsonsentinel.com/donate

Thus: PLEASE ACCEPT with no obligation - implied, implicit, inferred, contrived or obliquely winked - our qualified non-denominational BEST WISHES for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the time period generally coinciding with the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable - if any - traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, Maslovianly fulfilling, personally safe, Gannett-and-Lee-free and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere (Mexico is thinking of changing its name, but they'd only be dropping "United States," which isn't something (isn't that something? — I just wanted to triple-down on the parentheticals here) that many have found all that confusing, unlike this Morlockian thicket of parenthetical asides), also, if your calendar only lasts another couple of days, you might want to pick up one of those promos from a tool company or something (do tool companies still put out calendars, or am I just showing my age?), or maybe just use iCal), and without regard to the gender, sexual preference or lack thereof, race, creed, color, age, height, weight, visual acuity, batting average, poll standing with likely Iowa primary voters in 2020, desire to run in CD 2, CD 8, CD 9, or whichever other seat becomes open between when this is typed and the day of the party, possession of legal documentation beyond an obviously faked Hawaiian birth certificate (or is that Canadian? Canadien, even?), language spoken at home, employment status (but bring a couple of bucks for a beer, at least. Sheesh, it's a party at a bar. And tip like a grownup, really — and hey, here's another plug for you to support Tucson's only locally owned independent nonprofit news organization: http://www.tucsonsentinel.com/donate. I mean, you've got a job, right? Help us keep ours.), marital status, javascript library preference, adherence to a particular php coding style, physical ability, religious faith, steadfast faith in a heretofore pathetic National League baseball team, whether you always drink beer or only do so when a boring old dude who's just pretending to be Latino offers you one, experience in Linotype operation, views on the viability of Baja Arizona, acceptance of the Torah, Gospels, Sharia, Shania or Shakira law or page 159 of Bruce Springsteen's memoir as the legitimate basis for civil and/or criminal legal procedures, or choice of computer platform of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms and agree to be bound by them in perpetuity, or until Jan Brewer regains her train of thought, Doug Ducey reunites Motley Crue to record a new economic anthem for Arizona, Martha McSally figures out which office she's running for, a day passes without Chuck Huckelberry sending a lengthy memo or Donald Trump tweeting some bizarre conspiracy theory, and the Broadway widening project begins (really, just go with the "until the end of time," then — and note we didn't even conceive of the Broadway widening ever, ever, ever ending ... seriously, this clause has been in this thing for years, and they haven't even started yet). This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal at any time for any reason whatsoever at the sole discretion of the wisher. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law (Mesa, Prescott, Seligman, Colorado City, Florence, ISIS-controlled territory (or is that ISIL, or IS?, — but that latter abbreviation makes for confusing headlines, just like taking the periods out of U.S. and typing in title case can do. What is Aleppo?)), and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual, reasonable application of good tidings for a period not to exceed one calendar year (sigh, back to that bit again), or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, and said warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is not covered by Apple Care, the Volkswagen recall or the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. If it were, the GOP would be about to have it tossed out, which would be a real War on Christmas, wouldn't it? And why do Republicans hate Apple? If you wish to file a complaint about this wish, please do so in quadriplicate with the District 1 office, using a text message or via a Facebook chat or something. Don't worry, they won't tell anybody about it. If you want to find out who else has filed complaints, you'd better make a healthy contribution to the TucsonSentinel.com legal fund. Any litigation arising from the issuance or performance of these holiday greetings must be filed and heard in the High Court of the North Pole. Sadly, Santa has a mixed record on sunshine laws, the tubby bastard. If any portion of this wish shall be held unenforceable in a court of law, the remaining terms of this wish shall remain in force. Come to think of it, the bits about primary voters, computer platforms and baseball teams are already null and void, so there.

— Dylan, Maria, Paul, Blake, Julie, Betty and the rest of the TucsonSentinel.com team

Support TucsonSentinel.com today, because a smarter Tucson is a better Tucson.

- 30 -
have your say   

Comments

There are no comments on this report. Sorry, comments are closed.

Sorry, we missed your input...

You must be logged in or register to comment

If you go

  • TucsonSentinel.com Holiday Shindig
  • Thursday, Dec. 21, 6-9 p.m.
  • The Shanty, 401 E. 9th St.
  • RSVP via Facebook