Posted Jan 3, 2012, 11:20 am
Much like a monsoon haboob or a lengthy speech by an East Valley Republican, 2012 promises more dust-ups and hot air in the local political arena. Here's one take on what the year holds: on wry, hold the pickle.
Talk show tautologies
Lt. John Pike, the Pepper-Spray Cop, will quietly retire as a police officer after being offered a six-figure contract to appear as an occasional guest commenter on Fox News and a contract for an undisclosed sum to put his name on a ghost-written memoir explaining his side of the story.
Making the talk-show rounds, he will tearfully describe his hardscrabble suburban childhood, his intense patriotism, his love of God and Family™, and the unfairness of the liberal media. By the fall, he will have moved to Scottsdale to take a lucrative no-show job as a special advisor to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and politicians (Republicans and a few crass Democrats) will trip over each other to get their pictures taken with him. At the end of the year, the right-wing blog Espresso Pundit will be touting Pike as someone who will give newly elected U.S. Rep. Kyrsten Sinema "a run for her money in 2014."
Plaza Gaza
Some time in May or June, the constantly troubled La Placita Village will have taken a turn for the "even worse" under the management of alleged developer Humberto Lopez.
Vacant office suites will be taken over by crack dealers and squatters displaced by the gentrification of Barrio Kroger Lane. The stagnant fountains will host a colony of endangered Chiricahua leopard frogs and the whole place will be overgrown with weeds.
After the complex is condemned by the Pima County Health Department as a mosquito hazard, the Arizona Daily Star will a run guest opinion from the Southern Arizona Leadership Council and an unsigned editorial praising Lopez as a pillar of the community, deriding the move as reflective of Pima County's supposed hostility toward progress, and calling for the state Legislature to dissolve the Board of Supervisors in favor of a star chamber appointed by the membership committee of the Tucson Country Club.
For his part, Lopez will go to the City Council and demand that they purchase the property at an inflated price. Outraged, Josh Brodesky will write a rambling front-page opinion piece for the Star criticizing the Council for kowtowing to Lopez, ignoring the fact that, they will have, as usual, already given the alleged developer a firm "no."
Frankly speaking
State Sen. Frank Antenori (R-Not Tucson) will continue to be a frequent guest on talk radio. As the year progresses, he will rail against Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Richard Carmona with increasing virulence, calling him a "long-haired hippie peacenik," a "dirty commie," and a "pussy." This will continue until they meet by happenstance at a charity event.
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After this, Antenori's broken jaw prevents him from actively campaigning for Congress.
And more dust-ups
Disaster will strike when Calexico, Kiss and the Tells, and the current lineup of Giant Sand share a bill at the Rialto Theatre. With the first burst of mariachi brass, dust will haboob from the ceiling and the stage will collapse under the weight of every musician in Tucson as well as several from Austin, Seattle, Vermont, and Denmark. Miraculously, there will be no casualties as they will be saved by the fortuitous appearance of Rachel Flotard, because that chick can do anything.
Fearing that millions of unspent dollars might be invested in worthwhile projects Downtown, the Rio Nuevo Board will sue itself in a dispute over the ownership of a Porta-Potty left behind after the construction of the new UniSource headquarters. After losing the case, the humiliated board will be exiled to Ajo. Meanwhile, the Legislature will have already put the City of Tucson into receivership, officially because of the "tyranny of the Democratic majority," but really because Ben Quayle will need a new job after November.
The long-awaited Fry and Laurie reunion will occur in the final episode of House, M.D. In the last scene, an elevator door will open, and a character played by Stephen Fry will step out and punch Dr. House in the face. The punch will send Dr. House into a half spin toward the camera, where he will linger for half a moment with a mindless look of open-mouthed and bug-eyed astonishment before spinning further into a pratfall which leaves him horizontal on the floor.
Fry's character will turn toward the camera with a self-assured smile and say "I'm sorry that you had to see that, but you really didn't expect it to end any other way, did you?"
Got predictions?
Shine up your crystal ball and let us know what's coming up, in the comments.
Latest comments on this storyRead all 5 »
@Bret Linden
You don’t need to be encouraged to comment, BL ; ) But thanks for sharing with the class, as well.
@Bret Linden
Well played. Thanks for pitching in your two cents.
:)
@Christopher Francis
Well played. Thanks for pitching in your two cents.